Good morning! Sorry I haven't written in a couple of days. Yesterday was a little emotional. Mom took me to have the stitch removed that held the upper and lower eyelids together. When I opened my eyes, my vision was still quite blurry, yet much better than looking through the right eye only, with the cataract.
After the doctor left, but before we left the exam room, I looked in the mirror to see what the result looked like. I have to say, it was a shock. I knew it would look bad, but I guess I really didn't know what to expect. I cried. It's just so ugly, to me. I don't want people to see me differently. I don't want people to stare. Most of all, I don't want to have to answer questions. "What happened to your eye?!" "Did you have an accident?!" "Did somebody hit you?!" I just want to look normal!
I was angry, afraid, embarrassed, discouraged - all rolled up into one. It was hard to hold the tears back.
All my life, people have told me I have such beautiful eyes. Ever since I was a little girl, whenever I've looked in the mirror, I've tried to find the things that made me "pretty". When I've looked at pictures of myself, it's always been my eyes that I thought made me the most attractive, especially when I wore eye makeup.
I've always felt self-conscious when I didn't wear eye makeup. I didn't feel as "pretty". I wasn't as self-confident, and I always prayed I wouldn't run into anyone I knew if I went out without makeup on.
When the doctors first told me I had to stop wearing eye makeup, that was an adjustment in itself. Now, it's even worse! Not only do my eyes appear "naked", or "not pretty", but now, at least the left one, is just down-right ugly!
Okay, this was my initial reaction. I had to go to the middle school last night to register Hunter. I wore my sunglasses the entire time. There were so many people, some I knew, some I didn't. Some knew about the surgery, some didn't. Again, I just didn't want to answer any questions. And, truthfully, I was hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew. Luckily, I didn't.
The eye was still very puffy, both upper and lower lids, red and irritated, and looked very small. I rested my eyes most of the evening last night, and used a couple of cold compresses to ease the discomfort and swelling. I'm having some sharp, stabbing pains in the lids every now and then, but other than that, it doesn't feel too bad. The compresses soothe a lot.
This morning, it's not quite as swollen, and I can see a little better, though still not quite as good as before surgery. I've been praying a lot, and Mom and I talked a lot yesterday about the many blessings there are in this journey. At least they CAN do something to save my corneas! I AM still able to see! The most wonderful blessing of all is that I have the people in my life that God has given me! So many prayers, so much love! I've said it many times before, but I can never express fully how grateful I am for all of you! I would not be able to face any of this without you! God is SO Good!
I woke up this morning with a Psalm Response in my head that we used to sing at Mass when I was a little girl. "The Lord is my rock and my salvation. I trust in Him and have no fear. I sing of the joy which His love gives to me, and I draw deeply on the springs of His great kindness." Oh, how true those words ring in my heart today!
This has not changed who I am - only my appearance - and I know my family and friends still love me! None of that has changed!
I thank you all again for your love and your support! Especially my wonderful husband, Thad - thank you for being here, for helping me, for your patience, your love, your strength and your faith! Hunter - for your wonderful sense of humor, for your compassion, for your help, for being twelve! Mom and Dad - for sharing my story with your families and friends, for your transportation, for your time, for your love, for your faith, and mostly for the foundations you laid when I was young. To ALL my family and friends who have prayed for me, who have picked me up, sometimes at the last minute, to run me somewhere I needed to go, for the coffee breaks, for the play dates, for the laughter and the memories, for being who you are!
It's not over yet. I have a follow up appointment on August 30, and depending on how my left eye has healed, we will discuss scheduling the surgery on the right eye. So, now I have to go a little over two, almost three weeks, with lopsided eyes! - Another reason for my self-consciousness. At least if both eyes looked alike, it wouldn't look as abnormal. But I know that will come. I just have to be patient. (Not an easy task for an Eacret! :))
Anyway, I am doing better today - back to my regular routines and dealing with daily life at the Linton Household - which, living with Thad and Hunter, is ALWAYS an adventure, NEVER boring!
I will continue to keep you updated and let you know when the next surgery is to happen.
Thanks so much and love to all,
Debbie :)
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